I am so happy about www.onetabletdaily.com's design. Shel has done an amazing job! I am thinking he could do personal web design and make some good money on the side, or at least get a few really great haircuts & colours done ;)
See ya Sunday at noon, Shel
I totally love, adore and respect Ellen. She is the shit.
Every now and then, I find Ellen's book and read a few lines, laugh my ass off then put the book down until next time I find it.
''In treating a cold remember the three C's: Cheese, Cheese, and Cottage Cheese (actually those are four C's).
While sitting in an icy, cold bath, smoke a carton of menthol cigareetes and eat plenty of--you guessed it--cheese.
Only eat solids, avoid all fluids (except for liquid cheese)
Steal the bedding from a hospital, wrap yourself in it, and pretend to be The Mummy.
Drive your car while sitting in the passenger seat. Oh, did I tell you, I put a bomb in your car, and it will go off if you drive under fifty miles an hour. What do you do? What do you do?''
Here are the nine essential elements of a successful 2002 Bob Upndown Memorial Awards speech:
1. The Exclamation: ''Wow!'' and ''Woo-hoo!'' and ''Oh my God!'' are all considered an acceptable way to begin. ''About time!'' and ''Motherfucker!'' are not.
2. The Humble Trap: Do not say, ''I'm speechless!'' Do not say, ''Golly, I didn't even prepare a speech!'' You have an ego so large it must travel as checked baggage. Everyone knows that for the past six weeks you have thought about nothing but your speech. Well, that and reminding yourself to vomit after each meal.
3. The Sincere Expression of Gratitude: Do not say, ''I don't deserve this.'' First of all, no one will believe that you actually feel this way. Second, everyone will already know this fact to be true.
4. The Reference to Fellow Nominees: The last thing they want is you mentioning them by name, thus prompting television cameras to swoop in to record their awkward attempt to appear ''calm'' and ''together'' when in fact all they really want to do is bawl like a lost little girl.
5. The Display of Authentic Emotion: Crying is considered acceptable, but for cripe's sake keep a handle on it. You just won an award; you did not just witness the birth of your child, survive a life-threatening operation or purchase a pair of Prada pumps at half price. Recommendation: Moist eyes, deep breathing, a shake of the head to indicate moderate disbelief.
6. The Reference to Political Causes: This is frowned upon, of course, and always highly inadvisable.
7. The Thank Yous: The most awkward part of the speech: reading off a long list of names known only to industry types is inexcusably boring; a simple thanks to everyone (''You know who you are'') sounds insincere.
Best solution: Cite no more than three people, and explain why they deserve thanks. Announce that a complete list of thanks will be posted to your official Web site. To ensure everyone visits your Web site, announce that the thank-you list will be posted alongside some photographs of your naughty bits.
8. The Exceeding of the Time Limit: No great offence, assuming you're prepared to direct a clever remark at the orchestra leader, such as ''I ain't leavin!'' or ''You can play, but I'm gonna keep talkin'!'' or ''I can afford to have you killed a thousand times over, baton boy!''
9. The Farewell Gesture: Hoisting the Bob Upndown Memorial Award skyward while saying ''Thank you so much'' or ''I'll remember this forever'' is standard protocol.
So without further ado, here is my speech...
WOW! Thank you so very much, it is an honour to win this prestigious award.
*wipes tear away*
I would like to thank AIM and Shel, for always having an amusing 'away' message, without this these two, I wouldn't be here right now accepting this award.
I'll remember this for forever!
Thank you
I woke this morning with my congenitally joined twin jetting out on my cheek, next to my nose.
How Rude!
I am having thoughts of Judith Light and various products to ease the pain of it all.